Strong

by Anna Wild

I.

Did.

Used to.

Should have.

The verbs of the past haunt her.

They reprimand the consciousness in her heart,

taunting the woman she has become.

Some traits forced into her being

by the brutality of trauma.

Other parts formed by choice.

She was told the truth

before her youthful state shed.

Given every rule never knowing

a life beyond a righteous gavel.

Like the tide before a tsunami,

her mind withdrawals

into a girl who never got to choose.

Morality was thrust into her soul.

The value of her image

was predestined by the product

of her own works.

What fruit will she produce?

Are they ripe enough?

Strong enough?

An example to the orchards around her,

is she enough?

 

II.

Was.

Once before.

Could have.

None of these moments

were accompanied by her free will.

Love entails an abundance of grace,

and yet here she stands

with forgiveness far beyond reach.

Is this what she deserves?

Never truly seen for her own fingerprints?

But only the hands

she offered to those “in need”?

All of these memories

created in her chase for validation—

a race she never truly won.

An endeavor to please:

to please him,

make them proud,

set the tone,

hit the mark.

Never once did she do it

for herself—

an identity lost in the shadows of others

because being second was all she was taught.

Worthy, but not enough.

Unique, but not special.

Because she is part of the 99—

those left to seek the one.

Cheering on their return,

proudly wearing her uniform.

Shielding any sense of uniqueness

that could provoke

the deadliest of sins:

Pride.

 

III. 

Had.

Long ago.

Once upon a time.

She proved to be

the pinnacle of purity,

hiding the desires

she never knew were natural.

Coating her anxiety

with a temporary pleasure,

fearing darkness was to come.

Why did no one tell her?

Why was her body an object of fear?

And her questions a testament to her sinful nature?

She will never be perfect.

And yet the standards remain above reality.

A flower won’t truly wither.

A Christian never premeditates sin—

until they do.

She finds herself scouring

for words that were once hers—

labels she kept on her sleeve

and cared for with great delicacy.

As long as the princess kept up her crown

no one would question

the tangled mat beneath her hair.

So long as her lashes were painted,

not a single person doubted

her feigned smile—

pouring out the remnants of her heart

while no one checked

when the bottle was empty.

IV. 

Now.

Does.

Is.

Describing the present is a tale

no one can hear.

Burn the trash

and bury the dead—

there is nothing to see.

Because when she discovered her free will

it came with no bounds.

Losing the perfection of the past,

bearing the weight of her own morality.

Was she ever trusted?

Does the Father highlight her transgressions

like the leaders she followed?

Confidence is a concept

that does not live

in the current woman you see today.

Forever will she doubt

the foundation of her value,

trading hours of selfless thinking

for a single word of praise.

The past was a girl

you never truly understood.

Here stands the woman

you’re too late to believe in.

Anna Wild is a writer, college student, and disabilities advocate. She is studying diagnostic sonography with the goal of specializing in maternal fetal medicine at Southern Technical College. After overcoming severe illness and a half dozen surgeries, Anna uses life with her ileostomy bag as an opportunity to spread joy and strength to others who suffer. In spite of her struggles, Anna is very able, winning English Scholar Awards, earning college scholarships, and serving with Young Life Ministeries. In her free time, Anna nannies, enjoys the beach, and spending time with her family and friends.